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It’s a funny thing, time, and the thought that a year from now I could be anywhere, with someone I don’t yet know, and be a changed person. I’ve been thinking a lot about going back in time, what I would do differently  and so on, but under this forward-thinking regime I’ve put myself under, I quite like the idea that times heals most things. I’ve mentioned before how important hope is, and while I can’t imagine feeling sane again for a long, long time, I like to think that I’m going to be ok.

I’m suddenly feeling a lot more grown up lately – don’t get me wrong, there are still some very immature parts of me – but I’ve realised that now I’m older, I’m in this alone. This is a scary thought, those days where all that mattered was my mum, or my school friends, or that boy I thought I was in love with but really just had a crush on, seem so far away.

Throughout my younger life I anticipated the future, I had my plan and I knew what I wanted, but now the future frightens me (you can probably tell by now that many things do). The thought of meeting somebody new and letting them in seems impossible, but I guess that’s because I’m still stuck in the past at the moment. I suppose one day, if I’m lucky, I will fall in love again, and I can’t tell you how much I want that day to come, to feel safe once more, assuming they love me back of course.

I’ve never surrendered to any religion, but over the past few months I’ve found myself praying. I know this goes against all ideas of religion, only praying when you want something etc.. but I’ve never felt this lost before and, to be honest, I feel like the only person who understands me is my consciousness. Anyway, one of the things that I’ve been praying for is strength, because, if I’ve learnt anything from life, it’s that you can only rely on yourself. The reason that I want strength, apart from the obvious, is that I want to be able to prove myself wrong – I don’t want to give up, I want to be able to see myself in the future having the same dreams that I thought were going to happen with someone else; I want a big family, the holidays, the days spent doing nothing yet loving being together.

I guess this is the thing which ultimately scares me – not knowing who I am, what I am capable of without that person who made everything make sense. But I guess only time, slowly healing my wounds, will tell.